Celebrity Rap Superstar

First off, whoever greenlighted this show is getting fired. If this gets all the way to the end of the 'season' or whatever they want to call it, I'd be shocked and it would probably only be because they ran out of old episodes of Next to show on MTV. The goal is to match up a whose-who of washed up rappers (like Bubba Sparxxx....remember him? Yeah me either) who teach "celebrities" how to rap. Why the quotes? Because the all-star lineup includes an 80s rocker, Kevin Federlines first wife, one of Hugh Hefners girlfriends (the dumb one), a blogger, an old running back, some guy from Laguna Beach, two people whose only real credits are from being on Moesha, and Pedro. From Napolean Dynomite. HE CAN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH DSLFJDFKLFJLAADSF. If I had known that they were taking these kinds of Q-list celebrities, I might have considered hiring a manager and getting on the show myself.

Highlights include one guy not knowing a single word of his song, one guy trying to freestyle, and one guy, you know, not knowing how to speak english. The guy who doesn't know many english words will probably be back next week because HE WASN'T EVEN THE WORST ONE.

Also, DMC (you know....from Run DMC) was playing the Simon Cowell role and just shitting on everyone, which is pretty funny.

Also also, Kevin Hart is the host. Why is he still allowed on TV? His only real flaws were things like not knowing his words and running out of breath/getting horse. Shouldn't one of the requirements of hosting an hour long live show be that you have to be able to physically perform for the entire duration?

Is there something wrong with Corey Taylor?

Exhibit one:





Exhibit two:




Just saying.

H-B-NO

With the current season of Entorage still on (although the plots are getting more stale and more predictable by the show) and the new season of Curb coming up, it's safe to say that I'm not going to be cancelling my HBO service anytime soon. That doesn't mean that I like the new breed of programming that they have on, though.
I like Flight of the Concords. A lot. The first time. When it was called Tenatious D. This new show is horrible and contrived, with a higher production value and worse writing.
A show that I don't like, in any incantation, is John From Cincinnati (JFC...get it? GET IT??? Vomit). This show is horrible and has no redeaming qualities, except for the fact that Luis Guzman got another paycheck which he deserves. This is a show with no plot, and to make up for that they packed it full of open ended story arcs and mystical hints that tricked people into thinking it was going somewhere. When I tell people that I don't like it, they always say "well you just didn't get it" but the fact is NOBODY GOT IT BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING TO GET!!!!!! What's the big twist? That Zack fucking Morris is a bad guy/good guy who owns a surf company? You can't have a show and say "we'll tell you the premise, plot, and story later, but in the meantime look how cool it is that this junkie says 'fuck' a bunch!" You can have all the faux mystical crap that you want, but unless you have an underlaying plot and a purpose of the show, it's not going to work.

Superbad

Superbad comes out in a little over 36 hours. I don't know why I'm anticipating this movie so much, but I really really am. Maybe it's because it's written and produced by two of the funniest guys ever (Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow). Maybe it's because I am an unhealthy mancrush on Jonah Hill. Maybe it's because all the reviews say it's a smart, funny comedy with no moral ending or lesson learned, which is something I've been clamoring for for years.

Trying to make a dollar out of 50 Cent

Apparently 50 Cent (a rapper) doesn't like Kanye West (ironically, also a rapper). Instead of, you know, making good music, Mr Half Dollar decided that if his album doesn't beat Mr West(no relation to Adam)'s album when they both come out (or "drop" as in "I just dropped a turd") next month, that he would stop making music. Horaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! If only we can have more horrible artists making wild claims like this.

Brothers In Arms

The classic Dire Straits album Brother In Arms is the twelfth best selling album of all time? It has sold almost 30,000,000 albums worldwide. THIRTY MILLION!!!!!!! Of the nine tracks, you've heard of maybe two of them (Money For Nothing, which any kid growing up in the MTV era has heard a couple dozen times, and Walk of Life, which seems to be on any time you turn on a classic rock radio station). Other than those two songs, I'd imagine that most people would be hard pressed to name another song by the Dire Straits, let alone from that one album (and if you can, I'm sure it's Sultans of Swing).
This makes me think that it must have been pretty great back in the day when CDs first came out, where you would be an album because you liked the band and felt they put together a complete, comprehensive album that you could listen to front-to-back (which Brother In Arms is).

Fight Club 2: Fightier Club?

I just read that another one of Chuck Palahniuk books is being made into a movie. After watching Fight Club, I naturally read the book (figures that it was almost a literal translation, with the exception that it ended slightly different), and then read most of Palahniuk's books. The new movie, Choke, is based on a book that if made into a movie in the same way Fight Club was, would be on par with the hardest of hardcore porn movies on the market today. It would be very interesting to see how they capture the spirit and message of the book without, you know, the graphic sex acts.

Spoiler alert: Near the end of the book one of the characters has to go to the hospital because some anal beads got stuck and they were obstructing his digestion. So, you know, it's a little different from Meatloaf having cancer.

For anyone who hasn't read Choke, I'd highly recommend it (along with other Palahniuk books like Survivor and Invisible Monsters). It's a little bit to stomache, but if you got through Fight Club you shouldn't have much of a problem with Choke.

The Truth is Out There

I caught a couple of old X-Files eps on tv this morning. Boy that was a good show. It worked on so many levels, with all of the running plots and sub plots and season and series long arcs. Add to that the fact that almost every ep can stand alone as a solid hour of programming and you've got an all around stellar show. Thinking back, I don't think I ever saw the last few seasons.
Hows this for a mind fuck: the first ep I ever saw was the Season 1 finale at a friends house where Mulder was running in the desert and looking in silos and shit. I was 12, and for the rest of my middle school Fridays I was in front of my TV at 9pm to watch aliens, shadowy government officials, and unspoken sexual tension. It was a confusing time to be sure.
So heres the plan. There are 202 eps of the X-Files, each running about 45 minutes. If I wanted to watch the entire series from front to back so that I can finally see all the eps I've never seen before with the full context and feel of the show, it would take 9,090 minutes, or 151 1/2 hours. If you throw in the movie, that brings it to 153 hours of programing. If I watched for 6 hours a day (9 eps a day), it would take me almost an entire month to finish.
Now here is the interesting part. The "theme" of the show is alien abductions/odd shit involving aliens happening, and the different factions that know about it, are trying to cover it up, are trying to learn more, ect. At first blush it seems like every ep in the series involves stuff of this nature, but in reality only a few eps from each season deal with this subject matter, interjected around eps that are basically filler involving other paranormal subjects but don't really advance the long-running story line. It seems like there are 67 eps involving the alien story line (plus the movie), for a total viewing time of just over 50 hours. That seems more managable, yet it seems like I'd be losing some of the enjoyment of watching it through to the end.

When worlds collide

Just saw a comercial for a concert with ZZ Top, The Pretenders, and Stray Cats. While I respect musically all three acts, and all of them are very very good at the genres they have chosen, does the promoter really think that fans of one band will like the others? I haven't seen a more ill-concieved concert lineup since the hilarious Manson-Hole tour of a few years ago. Now that was a fun concert.

Daddy Day Crap

I saw a preview last night for a new movie coming out called Daddy Day Camp. That's right, they are making a sequel to the hit movie Daddy Day Care (I was going to use the term "hit movie" sarcastically but apparently DDC made over 100M in the US...proving once again that people love trite crap). The part that struck me as odd in the trailer is that there was a fat, geeky, squeeky voiced white guy that WASN'T Jeff Garlin. Wouldn't you think that in pre-production when you call up Jeff Garlin to reprise his roll and he blows you off, you'd stop and think that maybe you are starting a process that will flush millions of dollars down the toilet? Jeff Garlin. Jeff Garlin is a stand up who has a five minute bit about how to say the word 'pudding'. And he decided that he didn't want to be in your major motion picture.

Also, Cuba Gooding Jr is playing the part that Eddie Murphy played in the original. That sounds about right. Remember when Cuba made movies that people cared about? Now he's making stuff like Boat Trip and filling in for Eddie Murphy when Eddie feels he can't go 90 minutes without saying "fuck".

The posts below are older blogs that I copied from my myspace blog. New content coming soon! (Seriously).

To everyone that is going to see the Borat movie...

...please don't be That Guy. Yes, we all enjoyed the movie. Yes, we all remember those funny lines. You don't need to repeat them for weeks after. I know that you think you are doing a SPOT ON impression. You aren't. You sound like a horses ass. And people make fun of you.

Listen up 'American Guys between the ages of 18-28'. The next time it occurs to you that you will be the life of the party if you open up your gullet and spew out something that you heard on TV or on a movie in the last week, do everyone a favor and just clamp down on your tongue. It wasn't funny the first eleven times you said it this evening, making it an even dozen isn't going to suddently breathe new life into it. Try this instead: the next time you want to say some Family Guy line or something you heard on the Office, instead think of an original funny comment and say THAT. Make a humerous observation. See that look in people's eyes? Thats a modicum of respect. And you earned that, buddy.

Today in commerical crap...

I just realized that that song thats playing in every commercial on TV is the new Papa Roach song. Nice sell out, fellas. I didn't realize that they had released new music since last decade but apparently they have four CDs out now. Nice. Guess a few million bucks takes care of those bad feelings, huh?
I finally joined the curve and started watching Law and Order. Good show. I like how it's on five times a day so I can catch right up in a few months, although it does kind of screw with my head because I'm seeing eps out of order. I must say though that I like the original more than the SVU and CI incarnations. I just like the Order part. I need more Order in my Law and Order. That Sam Waterson is one sharp cookie (although I don't understand why he hasn't gotten a raise yet). Although I must say that I do like how Jerry Orbach would always sass people when he arrested them. Good stuff.
In movie news....all new movies stink. Watch Fear and Loathing again.