The AB definitive TV guide

This is my definitive TV watching guide. If you have an IQ higher then 120 (and come on, who doesn't nowadays?) and enjoy being entertained, follow this to the letter.

FIVE BURNING CORNEAS

Sports Night - Probably the greatest show ever on television. Every episode is a home run, all of the characters are relateable, and the dialog is A+.

Freeks and Geeks - Funny and poignant, anyone whose ever attended high school (and didn't play any sports) can easily relate. Every episode is solid, this series should have ran 7 seasons but got canceled after one.

Seinfeld - It's fucking Seinfeld. Come on. Even the bad episodes are still really funny.

Friends - Guilty pleasure. If you look at it, though, Friends is pretty much the blueprint for every crappy sitcom that came after it. All of the plot points, story arcs, and joke pacing that you see in a ton of sitcoms today all came from Friends roots. Friends is pretty much the Black Sabbath of crappy sitcoms.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - It's like a Seinfeld for my generation. Again, every episode is amazing and all of the characters are very well acted. The pacing with Devito is great, they don't overuse him so the scenes that he's in are hilarious and refreshing.

Arrested Development - If you watch one episode at random, you'll laugh a bunch and think it's a pretty solid show. If you watch the series end-to-end, you'll see the sheer genius in the writing and really come to appreciate almost all of the actors. Possibly the greatest "series as a whole" shows ever.

the X-Files - Yes, a lot of the stories are mitigated by the fact that you know that, in the end, Mulder and Scully are going to be ok, but all of the episodes are riveting and darkly funny and all of the story arcs are amazingly in their depth and the way they tie in to each other and, ultimately, resolve. If you have a month where you aren't doing anything, consider picking up all of the DVDs.

Solitary - GREATEST. REALITY SHOW. EVER. The show is basically about how much anguish people can put up with. Everything about this show is brilliant. People are inside of small jail cell-esk boxes and have to do horrible tasks with food and sleep deprivation. The best part is, they almost never know when one of their competitors are eliminated so often times they feel compelled to do horrible tasks over and over again for hours on end when in fact they were safe from elimination hours ago.

FOUR BURNING CORNEAS

30 Rock - If you forget that season 3 ever happened, it's easily a 5BC, but seeing as S3 compromises roughly 10-15% of the total series so far, it's hard to dismiss. Every episode from S1 and S2 are gold, S3 seems like it's taking the ole 'Office' turn where the writers are breaking from what worked so well in the past. Also I don't need guest stars every week. I don't care. They aren't funny. Just show more Judah Freelander.

The Office - Like 30 Rock, the first 2-3 seasons were amazing, and then it took a nose dive. All of the story arcs now are horribly contrived and super predictable.

NFL Gameday (NFL Network) - Remember 5-10 years ago when, after a long Sunday of watching football, you'd turn to ESPN and watch NFL Primetime, and overall it was enjoyable, but you kind of wished Berman wasn't talking so much? This is the perfect show for you. Just enough Dion to get the point (you can go ahead and watch something else during his Primetime segment).

Entourage - Teetering on the 3BC/4BC border, Piven really makes the show. Overall very enjoyable on the first watch but you rarely go back and rewatch whole seasons.

Dinner for Five - Aside from Swingers and Made being two of my Top 10 all time movies, I'm not that big of a fan of other stuff that Jon Favreau does. In fact, if someone else hosted this, it might be a 5BC show, mainly because Favreau often breaks up the conversation that more interesting people are having because he wants to interject some boring parable from Elf or something. Overall, though, a very entertaining show that always seems to bring together really interesting people.

The Life and Times of Tim - Fucking hilarious. We only got a shortish season to work on, but so far it's looking like another homerun for HBO. It's written and voiced perfectly, and almost every episode feels like the best parts of a Curb episode.

Family Guy - Declined a little bit since it's heyday but is still a must-watch.

Beauty and the Geek - You think you're better then it, but you aren't. The girls are all super vapid and the guys are all super geeky, and seeing them interact is really wonderful. The show certainly isn't as important as it thinks it is, but every season is chock full of entertainment.

Studio 60 - Needed another season (or 6). Just a wonderfully written and acted show, some of the show-within-the-show parts ruined the pacing and almost all of the show-within-the-show actors are forgettable. For example, did you know that the guy who does the impressions (ie Nick Cage) is now one of the main characters on Big Bang?

Law and Order - Never amazing, never bad, always good. I can watch any Law and Order episode at almost any time (especially CI because D'Onofrio rules).

THREE BURNING CORNEAS

How I Met Your Mother - Generic sitcom. Funny at times, but tries to hard to be emotional and important. Without NPH it would be unwatchable.

The Big Bang Theory - Overall, an enjoyable watch with decent re-watch ability. The characters are all just so one dimensional that it gets kind of dull after awhile.

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Steadily declined over the seasons, this used to be a "must turn to HBO 3 minutes before it comes on so I don't miss anything", and now it's a "Oh, I have curb on the Tivo? It's a new one? Shrug, ok". A lot of the older episodes don't really hold up all that well, and the newer ones just seem like everyone going through the motions. Also, what was up with that whole series where Larry thought he was adopted? I think I could do without that entire season.

Undeclared - Good show, good cast, filled a void after F&G. Overall, though, many of the episodes fall flat on their face and there are only a couple that are remarkable.

Beavis and Butthead - It still holds up. Seriously, watch some episodes. It still holds up.

Simpsons - Overall a pretty fluff show. You know what you're getting when you turn it on, some laughs and thats about it.

That 70s Show - Just good 'turn your brain off' fun. Grace and Valderama kind of bring the show down, but everyone else is really solid. There aren't a ton of episodes that you remember and yearn to watch again, but if it's on it's usually an enjoyable half an hour.

Drew Carey Show - Same as That 70s Show and the Simpsons. You know what you are getting, and you like it. My favorite thing about DCS is that it never takes itself to seriously and never pretends to be something it isn't.

TWO BURNING CORNEAS

My Own Worst Enemy - First 5 or 6 episodes? Great. After that? Super redundant. I stopped watching a few weeks ago because they've pretty much done everything that there is to do.

Weeds - Eh. I stopped watching after the first season. It just never intrigued me and other then Parker and Nealon the actors are pretty yawn-tastic.

Raising the Bar - With the talent that they have, this show should be way better then it is. As it is, it's a poorly paced Law and Order.


ONE BURNING CORNEA

Little Brittan, USA - This show was horrible. I mean really, really bad. There was one redeeming sketch, with the astronaut yelling at the kids, but everything else was boring euro humor.

John From Cincinnati - Horrible show. Pretentious for the sake of being pretentious. Nothing means anything and nothing goes anywhere, it's just a dull show that people say they enjoy because they think there is something to get that they are missing. There isn't.

Little People, Big World - I get it. You are a little person. I get it, you overcome your obstacles. Every member of the family is still sooooooo boring and the show is a novelty at best.

Mad Money - ITS GREAT. FOR FIVE MINUTES. BECAUSE THE GUY. YELLS LIKE THIS. AND GETS SUPER AMPED ABOUT MUNDANE STOCK MARKET THINGS. BUT OVERALL. ITS SUPER BORING. AND LOSES ITS LUSTER.