The AB definitive TV guide

This is my definitive TV watching guide. If you have an IQ higher then 120 (and come on, who doesn't nowadays?) and enjoy being entertained, follow this to the letter.

FIVE BURNING CORNEAS

Sports Night - Probably the greatest show ever on television. Every episode is a home run, all of the characters are relateable, and the dialog is A+.

Freeks and Geeks - Funny and poignant, anyone whose ever attended high school (and didn't play any sports) can easily relate. Every episode is solid, this series should have ran 7 seasons but got canceled after one.

Seinfeld - It's fucking Seinfeld. Come on. Even the bad episodes are still really funny.

Friends - Guilty pleasure. If you look at it, though, Friends is pretty much the blueprint for every crappy sitcom that came after it. All of the plot points, story arcs, and joke pacing that you see in a ton of sitcoms today all came from Friends roots. Friends is pretty much the Black Sabbath of crappy sitcoms.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - It's like a Seinfeld for my generation. Again, every episode is amazing and all of the characters are very well acted. The pacing with Devito is great, they don't overuse him so the scenes that he's in are hilarious and refreshing.

Arrested Development - If you watch one episode at random, you'll laugh a bunch and think it's a pretty solid show. If you watch the series end-to-end, you'll see the sheer genius in the writing and really come to appreciate almost all of the actors. Possibly the greatest "series as a whole" shows ever.

the X-Files - Yes, a lot of the stories are mitigated by the fact that you know that, in the end, Mulder and Scully are going to be ok, but all of the episodes are riveting and darkly funny and all of the story arcs are amazingly in their depth and the way they tie in to each other and, ultimately, resolve. If you have a month where you aren't doing anything, consider picking up all of the DVDs.

Solitary - GREATEST. REALITY SHOW. EVER. The show is basically about how much anguish people can put up with. Everything about this show is brilliant. People are inside of small jail cell-esk boxes and have to do horrible tasks with food and sleep deprivation. The best part is, they almost never know when one of their competitors are eliminated so often times they feel compelled to do horrible tasks over and over again for hours on end when in fact they were safe from elimination hours ago.

FOUR BURNING CORNEAS

30 Rock - If you forget that season 3 ever happened, it's easily a 5BC, but seeing as S3 compromises roughly 10-15% of the total series so far, it's hard to dismiss. Every episode from S1 and S2 are gold, S3 seems like it's taking the ole 'Office' turn where the writers are breaking from what worked so well in the past. Also I don't need guest stars every week. I don't care. They aren't funny. Just show more Judah Freelander.

The Office - Like 30 Rock, the first 2-3 seasons were amazing, and then it took a nose dive. All of the story arcs now are horribly contrived and super predictable.

NFL Gameday (NFL Network) - Remember 5-10 years ago when, after a long Sunday of watching football, you'd turn to ESPN and watch NFL Primetime, and overall it was enjoyable, but you kind of wished Berman wasn't talking so much? This is the perfect show for you. Just enough Dion to get the point (you can go ahead and watch something else during his Primetime segment).

Entourage - Teetering on the 3BC/4BC border, Piven really makes the show. Overall very enjoyable on the first watch but you rarely go back and rewatch whole seasons.

Dinner for Five - Aside from Swingers and Made being two of my Top 10 all time movies, I'm not that big of a fan of other stuff that Jon Favreau does. In fact, if someone else hosted this, it might be a 5BC show, mainly because Favreau often breaks up the conversation that more interesting people are having because he wants to interject some boring parable from Elf or something. Overall, though, a very entertaining show that always seems to bring together really interesting people.

The Life and Times of Tim - Fucking hilarious. We only got a shortish season to work on, but so far it's looking like another homerun for HBO. It's written and voiced perfectly, and almost every episode feels like the best parts of a Curb episode.

Family Guy - Declined a little bit since it's heyday but is still a must-watch.

Beauty and the Geek - You think you're better then it, but you aren't. The girls are all super vapid and the guys are all super geeky, and seeing them interact is really wonderful. The show certainly isn't as important as it thinks it is, but every season is chock full of entertainment.

Studio 60 - Needed another season (or 6). Just a wonderfully written and acted show, some of the show-within-the-show parts ruined the pacing and almost all of the show-within-the-show actors are forgettable. For example, did you know that the guy who does the impressions (ie Nick Cage) is now one of the main characters on Big Bang?

Law and Order - Never amazing, never bad, always good. I can watch any Law and Order episode at almost any time (especially CI because D'Onofrio rules).

THREE BURNING CORNEAS

How I Met Your Mother - Generic sitcom. Funny at times, but tries to hard to be emotional and important. Without NPH it would be unwatchable.

The Big Bang Theory - Overall, an enjoyable watch with decent re-watch ability. The characters are all just so one dimensional that it gets kind of dull after awhile.

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Steadily declined over the seasons, this used to be a "must turn to HBO 3 minutes before it comes on so I don't miss anything", and now it's a "Oh, I have curb on the Tivo? It's a new one? Shrug, ok". A lot of the older episodes don't really hold up all that well, and the newer ones just seem like everyone going through the motions. Also, what was up with that whole series where Larry thought he was adopted? I think I could do without that entire season.

Undeclared - Good show, good cast, filled a void after F&G. Overall, though, many of the episodes fall flat on their face and there are only a couple that are remarkable.

Beavis and Butthead - It still holds up. Seriously, watch some episodes. It still holds up.

Simpsons - Overall a pretty fluff show. You know what you're getting when you turn it on, some laughs and thats about it.

That 70s Show - Just good 'turn your brain off' fun. Grace and Valderama kind of bring the show down, but everyone else is really solid. There aren't a ton of episodes that you remember and yearn to watch again, but if it's on it's usually an enjoyable half an hour.

Drew Carey Show - Same as That 70s Show and the Simpsons. You know what you are getting, and you like it. My favorite thing about DCS is that it never takes itself to seriously and never pretends to be something it isn't.

TWO BURNING CORNEAS

My Own Worst Enemy - First 5 or 6 episodes? Great. After that? Super redundant. I stopped watching a few weeks ago because they've pretty much done everything that there is to do.

Weeds - Eh. I stopped watching after the first season. It just never intrigued me and other then Parker and Nealon the actors are pretty yawn-tastic.

Raising the Bar - With the talent that they have, this show should be way better then it is. As it is, it's a poorly paced Law and Order.


ONE BURNING CORNEA

Little Brittan, USA - This show was horrible. I mean really, really bad. There was one redeeming sketch, with the astronaut yelling at the kids, but everything else was boring euro humor.

John From Cincinnati - Horrible show. Pretentious for the sake of being pretentious. Nothing means anything and nothing goes anywhere, it's just a dull show that people say they enjoy because they think there is something to get that they are missing. There isn't.

Little People, Big World - I get it. You are a little person. I get it, you overcome your obstacles. Every member of the family is still sooooooo boring and the show is a novelty at best.

Mad Money - ITS GREAT. FOR FIVE MINUTES. BECAUSE THE GUY. YELLS LIKE THIS. AND GETS SUPER AMPED ABOUT MUNDANE STOCK MARKET THINGS. BUT OVERALL. ITS SUPER BORING. AND LOSES ITS LUSTER.

"Student" athelets

I'm watching the tail end of the highly entertaining Syracuse-Kansas game (unranked and 23rd respectively...what happened to those programs? Haven't they both competed for/won national championships recently?) and it's tough to concentrate on the game because HALF OF THE DAMN COURT IS COVERED IN ADS!

When the hell did this happen?

How is this allowed to go on?

On each half of the court there is an ad for the NABC, Sprint, and O'Reilly (which apparently is an auto parts store, who knew). On the baseline under the basket and along the sideline between the two benches there is a rotating ad spot for Midwest (still an airline? WHO KNEW!), 'The College Basketball Experience' (which I'd assume consists of failing out of classes, sneaking beer into the dorms, and having sex with coeds), ESPNU, Toyota, O'Reilly, Sprint, and Lamar (I don't know what that is, but hopefully it has something to do with Reading Rainbow). At halfcourt there is a huge graphic for Lamar and a smaller one for Sonic (the shitty fast food place, not the Hedgehog).

Listen, I'm all for free market economy but something just seems wrong with profiting off of all of this ad revenue (plus selling tickets, plus selling concessions, plus selling jerseys, plus TV revenue, portions or all of which I'd have to assume goes to the college), and having the kids get nothing for it.

Why can't these kids get paid? What's wrong with some sort of stipend? They are all adults, and can thus enter freely into business relationships. Why is there this lock down on giving them a cut of the profit that they are basically wholly responsible for generating? It's not going to affect recruiting because kids are still going to go to the bigger schools. It's not going to affect how hard the kids play because whatever a college could pay them is still a pittance compared to how much the NBA could pay them. Hell, even to be fair you could set a cap per player and have that cap tied into how much revenue the program generates, so nobody can play a spoiler and just buy up a ton of talent.

It seems like everyone is caught up in this horribly antiquated notion that college is some kind of sacred hollowed ground filled with adolescents that can only be spoken in hushed tones.

Fuck that.

Has nobody BEEN to college?

It's a damn business. Granted, it's the business of teaching people, but it's still a business. The people who are purchasing the product (knowledge) shouldn't be encumbered by the business to have their entire life run by them. It's a silly notion that holds no weight in today's moral climate.

Wherefort are thou, Buckethead?

The new Guns N Roses album is horrible. Don't take my word for it, listen to it for yourself on their myspace page (and why a bunch of nearly 50 year old dudes need a myspace page is beyond me). Seriously, I waited 15 years for THIS shit? It sounds like a bad GNR cover band.

And seriously, what has Axl been doing for the last 15 years? It sure as shit hasn't been writing good music. It's not like he's running other companies or performing on other albums. Does he just sit in his house all day and watch sports?

I thought Ozzy was clean?

Because if he is, why the fuck is he doing World of Warcraft ads? Does he need the money that badly? What is he spending it on? Capes? How much can a damn cape cost?

Reading: it's FUNdimental

Apparently I'm a big fan of reading things that I've already read/heard before. The last two books I've read have been Kevin Smith's My Boring Ass Life (which contain all of his blogs for a year, all of which I've read) and Artie Lang's Too Fat To Fish (which contain stories that I've already heard him say on the Stern show). Fun. I tried to read Men Without Balls, which is by the Kissing Suzy Kolber guy, but it's a little to dull.

Funny story, as I was typing that last sentence, I looked up to my muted TV and Suzy Kolber was doing a stand up. I guess Broadway Joe and I have different tastes.

I also bought a couple of graphic novels the last time I was at Boarders because I enjoyed comic books as a kid, so I figured I might as well give modern day ones a shot. I hope there's some sort of zombie-based theme in them, because I don't care how old you are, zombies are fucking awesome.

Baseball/More blogging!

As part of trying to normalize my routine, I'm going to try to blog more often.

You know, more than once every 8 months.


The baseball playoffs are borderline unwatchable. It's not that the games aren't good (they aren't), or that the announcers are annoying (they are), it's that seemingly every ten minutes I'm subjected to a Frank TV ad.

I don't care. Frank Caliendo isn't funny. He was never funny. He wasn't funny as a stand up, he wasn't funny on Mad TV, and he isn't funny on Frank TV. It's not even a good premise. It's half an hour of him pretending to be other fat people while doing barely passable impressions of them. That is so wholly unoriginal and devoid of any creativity or talent that I can't imagine anyone intentionally watching it.

As a comparison, IMDB shows that Frank TV has made 22 episodes. That is more than Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Wonderland, Clone High, the Andy Dick Show, Clerks Uncensored, and as many as Studio 60.

TV is horrible/Is your attention span really under 2 minutes?

Something that I'm starting to see more and more on TV shows is the infuriating 'teaser' that shows are showing before every single commercial break. They are taking up 15 seconds every segment by showing us what they will be showing 4 minutes from now. Why? Are our attention spans really that short? Is there really a need to keep us interested in something that WE ARE ALREADY WATCHING?!?!? What the hell do they think is going to happen, people are going to change the channel in the middle of a show and start watching another show coming in cold in the middle of it? Do they think people are going to skip a segment and knit for 8 minutes?

The next time you are watching any reality or reality-based show, pay attention to what happens right before the commercial break. More often than not it will be some horrible tease that both takes up program time, and ruins and kind of suspense you might have had.