Whats on my mind grapes?

The AB definitive TV guide

2009-01-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

This is my definitive TV watching guide. If you have an IQ higher then 120 (and come on, who doesn't nowadays?) and enjoy being entertained, follow this to the letter.

FIVE BURNING CORNEAS

Sports Night - Probably the greatest show ever on television. Every episode is a home run, all of the characters are relateable, and the dialog is A+.

Freeks and Geeks - Funny and poignant, anyone whose ever attended high school (and didn't play any sports) can easily relate. Every episode is solid, this series should have ran 7 seasons but got canceled after one.

Seinfeld - It's fucking Seinfeld. Come on. Even the bad episodes are still really funny.

Friends - Guilty pleasure. If you look at it, though, Friends is pretty much the blueprint for every crappy sitcom that came after it. All of the plot points, story arcs, and joke pacing that you see in a ton of sitcoms today all came from Friends roots. Friends is pretty much the Black Sabbath of crappy sitcoms.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - It's like a Seinfeld for my generation. Again, every episode is amazing and all of the characters are very well acted. The pacing with Devito is great, they don't overuse him so the scenes that he's in are hilarious and refreshing.

Arrested Development - If you watch one episode at random, you'll laugh a bunch and think it's a pretty solid show. If you watch the series end-to-end, you'll see the sheer genius in the writing and really come to appreciate almost all of the actors. Possibly the greatest "series as a whole" shows ever.

the X-Files - Yes, a lot of the stories are mitigated by the fact that you know that, in the end, Mulder and Scully are going to be ok, but all of the episodes are riveting and darkly funny and all of the story arcs are amazingly in their depth and the way they tie in to each other and, ultimately, resolve. If you have a month where you aren't doing anything, consider picking up all of the DVDs.

Solitary - GREATEST. REALITY SHOW. EVER. The show is basically about how much anguish people can put up with. Everything about this show is brilliant. People are inside of small jail cell-esk boxes and have to do horrible tasks with food and sleep deprivation. The best part is, they almost never know when one of their competitors are eliminated so often times they feel compelled to do horrible tasks over and over again for hours on end when in fact they were safe from elimination hours ago.

FOUR BURNING CORNEAS

30 Rock - If you forget that season 3 ever happened, it's easily a 5BC, but seeing as S3 compromises roughly 10-15% of the total series so far, it's hard to dismiss. Every episode from S1 and S2 are gold, S3 seems like it's taking the ole 'Office' turn where the writers are breaking from what worked so well in the past. Also I don't need guest stars every week. I don't care. They aren't funny. Just show more Judah Freelander.

The Office - Like 30 Rock, the first 2-3 seasons were amazing, and then it took a nose dive. All of the story arcs now are horribly contrived and super predictable.

NFL Gameday (NFL Network) - Remember 5-10 years ago when, after a long Sunday of watching football, you'd turn to ESPN and watch NFL Primetime, and overall it was enjoyable, but you kind of wished Berman wasn't talking so much? This is the perfect show for you. Just enough Dion to get the point (you can go ahead and watch something else during his Primetime segment).

Entourage - Teetering on the 3BC/4BC border, Piven really makes the show. Overall very enjoyable on the first watch but you rarely go back and rewatch whole seasons.

Dinner for Five - Aside from Swingers and Made being two of my Top 10 all time movies, I'm not that big of a fan of other stuff that Jon Favreau does. In fact, if someone else hosted this, it might be a 5BC show, mainly because Favreau often breaks up the conversation that more interesting people are having because he wants to interject some boring parable from Elf or something. Overall, though, a very entertaining show that always seems to bring together really interesting people.

The Life and Times of Tim - Fucking hilarious. We only got a shortish season to work on, but so far it's looking like another homerun for HBO. It's written and voiced perfectly, and almost every episode feels like the best parts of a Curb episode.

Family Guy - Declined a little bit since it's heyday but is still a must-watch.

Beauty and the Geek - You think you're better then it, but you aren't. The girls are all super vapid and the guys are all super geeky, and seeing them interact is really wonderful. The show certainly isn't as important as it thinks it is, but every season is chock full of entertainment.

Studio 60 - Needed another season (or 6). Just a wonderfully written and acted show, some of the show-within-the-show parts ruined the pacing and almost all of the show-within-the-show actors are forgettable. For example, did you know that the guy who does the impressions (ie Nick Cage) is now one of the main characters on Big Bang?

Law and Order - Never amazing, never bad, always good. I can watch any Law and Order episode at almost any time (especially CI because D'Onofrio rules).

THREE BURNING CORNEAS

How I Met Your Mother - Generic sitcom. Funny at times, but tries to hard to be emotional and important. Without NPH it would be unwatchable.

The Big Bang Theory - Overall, an enjoyable watch with decent re-watch ability. The characters are all just so one dimensional that it gets kind of dull after awhile.

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Steadily declined over the seasons, this used to be a "must turn to HBO 3 minutes before it comes on so I don't miss anything", and now it's a "Oh, I have curb on the Tivo? It's a new one? Shrug, ok". A lot of the older episodes don't really hold up all that well, and the newer ones just seem like everyone going through the motions. Also, what was up with that whole series where Larry thought he was adopted? I think I could do without that entire season.

Undeclared - Good show, good cast, filled a void after F&G. Overall, though, many of the episodes fall flat on their face and there are only a couple that are remarkable.

Beavis and Butthead - It still holds up. Seriously, watch some episodes. It still holds up.

Simpsons - Overall a pretty fluff show. You know what you're getting when you turn it on, some laughs and thats about it.

That 70s Show - Just good 'turn your brain off' fun. Grace and Valderama kind of bring the show down, but everyone else is really solid. There aren't a ton of episodes that you remember and yearn to watch again, but if it's on it's usually an enjoyable half an hour.

Drew Carey Show - Same as That 70s Show and the Simpsons. You know what you are getting, and you like it. My favorite thing about DCS is that it never takes itself to seriously and never pretends to be something it isn't.

TWO BURNING CORNEAS

My Own Worst Enemy - First 5 or 6 episodes? Great. After that? Super redundant. I stopped watching a few weeks ago because they've pretty much done everything that there is to do.

Weeds - Eh. I stopped watching after the first season. It just never intrigued me and other then Parker and Nealon the actors are pretty yawn-tastic.

Raising the Bar - With the talent that they have, this show should be way better then it is. As it is, it's a poorly paced Law and Order.

ONE BURNING CORNEA

Little Brittan, USA - This show was horrible. I mean really, really bad. There was one redeeming sketch, with the astronaut yelling at the kids, but everything else was boring euro humor.

John From Cincinnati - Horrible show. Pretentious for the sake of being pretentious. Nothing means anything and nothing goes anywhere, it's just a dull show that people say they enjoy because they think there is something to get that they are missing. There isn't.

Little People, Big World - I get it. You are a little person. I get it, you overcome your obstacles. Every member of the family is still sooooooo boring and the show is a novelty at best.

Mad Money - ITS GREAT. FOR FIVE MINUTES. BECAUSE THE GUY. YELLS LIKE THIS. AND GETS SUPER AMPED ABOUT MUNDANE STOCK MARKET THINGS. BUT OVERALL. ITS SUPER BORING. AND LOSES ITS LUSTER.

"Student" athelets

2008-11-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

I'm watching the tail end of the highly entertaining Syracuse-Kansas game (unranked and 23rd respectively...what happened to those programs? Haven't they both competed for/won national championships recently?) and it's tough to concentrate on the game because HALF OF THE DAMN COURT IS COVERED IN ADS!

When the hell did this happen?

How is this allowed to go on?

On each half of the court there is an ad for the NABC, Sprint, and O'Reilly (which apparently is an auto parts store, who knew). On the baseline under the basket and along the sideline between the two benches there is a rotating ad spot for Midwest (still an airline? WHO KNEW!), 'The College Basketball Experience' (which I'd assume consists of failing out of classes, sneaking beer into the dorms, and having sex with coeds), ESPNU, Toyota, O'Reilly, Sprint, and Lamar (I don't know what that is, but hopefully it has something to do with Reading Rainbow). At halfcourt there is a huge graphic for Lamar and a smaller one for Sonic (the shitty fast food place, not the Hedgehog).

Listen, I'm all for free market economy but something just seems wrong with profiting off of all of this ad revenue (plus selling tickets, plus selling concessions, plus selling jerseys, plus TV revenue, portions or all of which I'd have to assume goes to the college), and having the kids get nothing for it.

Why can't these kids get paid? What's wrong with some sort of stipend? They are all adults, and can thus enter freely into business relationships. Why is there this lock down on giving them a cut of the profit that they are basically wholly responsible for generating? It's not going to affect recruiting because kids are still going to go to the bigger schools. It's not going to affect how hard the kids play because whatever a college could pay them is still a pittance compared to how much the NBA could pay them. Hell, even to be fair you could set a cap per player and have that cap tied into how much revenue the program generates, so nobody can play a spoiler and just buy up a ton of talent.

It seems like everyone is caught up in this horribly antiquated notion that college is some kind of sacred hollowed ground filled with adolescents that can only be spoken in hushed tones.

Fuck that.

Has nobody BEEN to college?

It's a damn business. Granted, it's the business of teaching people, but it's still a business. The people who are purchasing the product (knowledge) shouldn't be encumbered by the business to have their entire life run by them. It's a silly notion that holds no weight in today's moral climate.

Wherefort are thou, Buckethead?

2008-11-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

The new Guns N Roses album is horrible. Don't take my word for it, listen to it for yourself on their myspace page (and why a bunch of nearly 50 year old dudes need a myspace page is beyond me). Seriously, I waited 15 years for THIS shit? It sounds like a bad GNR cover band.

And seriously, what has Axl been doing for the last 15 years? It sure as shit hasn't been writing good music. It's not like he's running other companies or performing on other albums. Does he just sit in his house all day and watch sports?

I thought Ozzy was clean?

2008-11-24T13:47:00.000-08:00

Because if he is, why the fuck is he doing World of Warcraft ads? Does he need the money that badly? What is he spending it on? Capes? How much can a damn cape cost?

Reading: it's FUNdimental

2008-11-24T13:39:00.001-08:00

Apparently I'm a big fan of reading things that I've already read/heard before. The last two books I've read have been Kevin Smith's My Boring Ass Life (which contain all of his blogs for a year, all of which I've read) and Artie Lang's Too Fat To Fish (which contain stories that I've already heard him say on the Stern show). Fun. I tried to read Men Without Balls, which is by the Kissing Suzy Kolber guy, but it's a little to dull.

Funny story, as I was typing that last sentence, I looked up to my muted TV and Suzy Kolber was doing a stand up. I guess Broadway Joe and I have different tastes.

I also bought a couple of graphic novels the last time I was at Boarders because I enjoyed comic books as a kid, so I figured I might as well give modern day ones a shot. I hope there's some sort of zombie-based theme in them, because I don't care how old you are, zombies are fucking awesome.

Baseball/More blogging!

2008-10-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

As part of trying to normalize my routine, I'm going to try to blog more often.

You know, more than once every 8 months.

The baseball playoffs are borderline unwatchable. It's not that the games aren't good (they aren't), or that the announcers are annoying (they are), it's that seemingly every ten minutes I'm subjected to a Frank TV ad.

I don't care. Frank Caliendo isn't funny. He was never funny. He wasn't funny as a stand up, he wasn't funny on Mad TV, and he isn't funny on Frank TV. It's not even a good premise. It's half an hour of him pretending to be other fat people while doing barely passable impressions of them. That is so wholly unoriginal and devoid of any creativity or talent that I can't imagine anyone intentionally watching it.

As a comparison, IMDB shows that Frank TV has made 22 episodes. That is more than Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Wonderland, Clone High, the Andy Dick Show, Clerks Uncensored, and as many as Studio 60.

TV is horrible/Is your attention span really under 2 minutes?

2008-01-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

Something that I'm starting to see more and more on TV shows is the infuriating 'teaser' that shows are showing before every single commercial break. They are taking up 15 seconds every segment by showing us what they will be showing 4 minutes from now. Why? Are our attention spans really that short? Is there really a need to keep us interested in something that WE ARE ALREADY WATCHING?!?!? What the hell do they think is going to happen, people are going to change the channel in the middle of a show and start watching another show coming in cold in the middle of it? Do they think people are going to skip a segment and knit for 8 minutes?

The next time you are watching any reality or reality-based show, pay attention to what happens right before the commercial break. More often than not it will be some horrible tease that both takes up program time, and ruins and kind of suspense you might have had.

To Catch A Predator

2008-01-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

I feel bad for those actors who have to stand in the doorway when the creepy pervs walk in. It's going to suck a couple of years from now when that Dateline money drys up and they go out to look for other acting jobs. How do you phrase 'Pretended to be 13 years old so old guys would walk into the house to get questioned by Chris Hanson'?

Yearly football rant

2008-01-18T21:11:00.001-08:00

I like football. I'm an American male, aged 10-65, so that makes sense. I'm kind of the demographic. Football is one of those sports where even though I have a favorite team, I can pretty much turn on any game and be entertained. I like the 'all or nothing' mentality because both in the pros and in college every game is so important (because there are so few of them) that everyone tries super hard at all times. And I like touchdown celebrations. That being said, here are some thought that I have about football:

- College. Nobody cares. The titles are arbitrary and meaningless, and the stats are worthless since the players are going to be there for such a finite amount of time and play against such different opponents that it's tough to compare and contrast. I say they stop letting the teams decide their own schedule and regulate it. Then, have a 16 or 32 team playoff at the end of the season. The only argument against a playoff system is the bullshit "but the kids need to be in claaaaaaaaaaaaaaass" one, which is obviously stupid. College basketball finds a way to get kids to class and to playoff games, and the post-season in football is right around one of the longest breaks of the year.

- The Patriots are the greatest team of the year. Even if they lost in their first game of the playoffs, they would still be the best team this year. Going 16-0 is so much more important then winning a Super Bowl and it's not even close. For example, can you name the team that won the Super Bowl 7 years ago? Didn't think so. Can you name the last team to go undefeated? Right.

- Week 17 is pointless. I mean, what a snooze fest. Every single year it's the same scenario. Most of the games are between two teams who have no shot of making the playoffs or two teams who have secured their spot. These games are boring, although some of the games between two scrub teams are somewhat competitive because both teams are so so bad. Most of the other games are either between a team which has it's spot locked up and a team who is trying to get in, or a team who is trying to get in and a team who is out. The only time you get a good game is when there are two teams who both have a shot to get in, or a team who is in but needs another win to get home field/bye week and a team who is trying to get in. All other games are boring as the teams that are in rest most of their starters and the teams that are out are horrible and unexciting.

Football needs a new system to make sure that ever game is good (or at least has the potential to be good). I'd suggest having two 8-week halfs (with a week off between them, when you can hold the All Star Game), and dividing playoff spots based on success in either half.

I should obviously be the commissioner of football. Along with great ideas like the one above, I would propose that cheerleaders be banned from wearing pants, and more giant foam headed mascot fights. That you can bet on.

- If you are an commentator, nobody cares about you. I am so sick of watching a football game where people who are actually good at the sport are playing their hearts out, only to hear an annoying comment 10 times a game from some schmo who played backup QB for 5 years.

If your name isn't Aikman or Madden then NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. It's always some annoying bullshit like "Wow Favre took a nasty hit there. You know, when I was playing 15 years ago I took a nasty hit like that once and had to stay overnight in the hospital for observation. So I know how he feels." How is pointless drivel like that helping my enjoyment? First off, you can take most of the commentators and I couldn't tell you what team they have played for, and I've been watching football for 20 years. Secondly, even if I know who you are, I don't give a shit what you have to say. They never tell engrossing stories about drinking with 400 pound men or threesomes with football groupies, it's always some meaningless "I want to relate to the people on the field" stories. It's stupid and only serves to fill the 10 seconds between when a play ended and when they are going to read to me the huge graphic that pops up on the screen like I'm a small child.

I'm back, baby!

2008-01-18T21:10:00.000-08:00

More blogs more often starting.......

..............

..................NOW!

Whoops

2007-10-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

Looks like I forgot I had a blog. I'll do that from time to time. My bad. I'm sure all zero of you reading this have been waiting with bated breath, so I'll list my thoughts on recent stuff, rapid-fire style:

Rock of Love - This shit needs to stop. It ended predictably and the reunion show was horrid. Booooring.

America's Most Smartest Model - An interesting concept, but pretty much misses the mark. The half of the show where the models are being tested on their intelligence is great, but the second half where they are tested on their modelness is boring. Maybe it's that I don't get what makes a model good, but if people wanted to watch a bunch of vapid models parading around looking dour, they would watch America's Next Top Model. Also, the models seem to be voted off based on how well they model, not on how smart they are. This seems like just a random "Top Model" show with a couple of quizzes on basic general knowledge, which in that context just seems to exist to humiliate them. Also, Ben Stein should be on more shows, he's outstanding.

Survivor - Average season. I like watching JRB, but the blurred out pubic region is getting on my nerves. These days there really isn't any more innovation in Survivor, so if you like it you like it and if you never liked it you'll probably not like this season (or any other season).

Big Brother - I picked up in the middle, and it's kind of confusing. Two people are on a team and the others are individuals? There's a guy who does whatever America votes him to do? Also, why is this on like 20 hours a week? Why are there like five different challenges before there is a vote? Seems like a pretty weak show overall, but there were a bunch of stupid people yelling at each other and making asses of themselves, so I'll probably watch next season. I'm easy to please like that.

Solitary - Now THIS is a good show. If you only order digital cable to get Fox Reality to watch this, it would pretty much be worth the price. Entertaining, original, and the people had good personalities. The challenges get difficult to watch at times, but if you could handle something like Fear Factor, you can handle this.

Shot at Love - Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If I wanted to watch a bi girl flip flop over partners and make people do stupid challenges to talk to her, I'd go back to high school.

SNL - Another boring season. Nowadays there is one good skit per year, and it's usually a digital short staring Samburg. That skit was last week, with the people getting hit right before they eat. I laughed out loud.

How I Met Your Mother - Pretty much leveled off. Still standard and predictable (I have a running gag where I yell out either an exact line or a plot point before it happens, which my roommates LOVE). It's worth watching just for the NPH lines, though. He's hilarious, and has amazing timing and delivery.

Beauty and the Geek - Another good season. Pretty much everything about this show is well done, and the people who are on it honestly seem to be getting a rewarding experience out of it. Anyone who has never watched this show should watch it as soon as possible, it certainly isn't your typical reality show.

The Office - I'm honestly surprised that there wasn't an episode where Steve Carrell jumps over a shark on water skis. Seriously. Everything about the show has fallen off, and it's become predictable and boring. It seems like the writers are very good at writing dialog, they just wrote themselves into a corner with all of the story arcs. For the Office to go back to being the best show on television, it needs to be like the Simpsons, where nothing ever changes and it's a constant stream of Michael being a good hearted idiot and Jim and Pam having sexual frustration. The way it is now, it's just an average sitcom with good writing for a couple of the characters...kind of like How I Met Your Mother.

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Larry David is still funny. I think I don't enjoy it as much as I used to because I've became used to it being really funny, so now it isn't a pleasant surprise anymore.

Price is right - Know what? Good for Drew Carey. I like that guy. The Drew Carey show was one of my favorite shows, for the simple reason that it didn't pretend to be something it wasn't. It was a silly little sitcom that only cared about entertaining the viewers. It didn't have pretentious plots or over dramatic arcs, it was just good ole wacky hi jinx week in and week out. That sort of thing should be commended.

Saved by the Bell: The less than definitive post

2007-09-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

My biggest problem with SBTB is the lack on continuity from one episode to the next. I don't get how the lazy writers can just write in an entire structure for one plot point in an episode, and then completely ignore it for the remainder of the series. For example, the radio station. Remember when Zack and his crew worked at the school radio station? Unlike your high school radio station, which consisted of 4 minutes in the morning for school announcements, this one was fully functioning, with a full sound board, mix deck, ect (and of course every kid who worked there knew how to work all of the equipment to perfection). Also every single one of Zack's friends worked there, each with their own show. How in the hell is there that much free time in the school day?
How stupid were kids during the first run of this show? How could everyone just accept that, out of the blue, everyone worked at a school radio station and this was an important part in all of their lives? Also, was this supposed to be some childhood fantasy? Did kids yearn to have a radio station in their school where they could work for no money? Were DJs cool in the 80s?

Anyone can get a reality show

2007-09-07T02:31:00.000-07:00

Just ran across this on the ole TV: apparently DMX (the rapper) has his own reality type show. On TV. I've set my DVR to record the entire season. I can watch this show all day every day. It is 30 minutes of his yelling. Sometimes it is happy yelling, sometimes it is angry yelling. But there is always yelling. The best part is when he's on a cell phone minutes before he has to go on stage and perform, yelling at someone at his record label.

But the REAL best part is when he's yelling that he loves his kid, to the kid. It's heartwarming....kinda.

Celebrity Rap Superstar

2007-08-31T02:33:00.000-07:00

First off, whoever greenlighted this show is getting fired. If this gets all the way to the end of the 'season' or whatever they want to call it, I'd be shocked and it would probably only be because they ran out of old episodes of Next to show on MTV. The goal is to match up a whose-who of washed up rappers (like Bubba Sparxxx....remember him? Yeah me either) who teach "celebrities" how to rap. Why the quotes? Because the all-star lineup includes an 80s rocker, Kevin Federlines first wife, one of Hugh Hefners girlfriends (the dumb one), a blogger, an old running back, some guy from Laguna Beach, two people whose only real credits are from being on Moesha, and Pedro. From Napolean Dynomite. HE CAN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH DSLFJDFKLFJLAADSF. If I had known that they were taking these kinds of Q-list celebrities, I might have considered hiring a manager and getting on the show myself.

Highlights include one guy not knowing a single word of his song, one guy trying to freestyle, and one guy, you know, not knowing how to speak english. The guy who doesn't know many english words will probably be back next week because HE WASN'T EVEN THE WORST ONE.

Also, DMC (you know....from Run DMC) was playing the Simon Cowell role and just shitting on everyone, which is pretty funny.

Also also, Kevin Hart is the host. Why is he still allowed on TV? His only real flaws were things like not knowing his words and running out of breath/getting horse. Shouldn't one of the requirements of hosting an hour long live show be that you have to be able to physically perform for the entire duration?

Is there something wrong with Corey Taylor?

2007-08-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

Exhibit one:

Exhibit two:

Just saying.

H-B-NO

2007-08-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

With the current season of Entorage still on (although the plots are getting more stale and more predictable by the show) and the new season of Curb coming up, it's safe to say that I'm not going to be cancelling my HBO service anytime soon. That doesn't mean that I like the new breed of programming that they have on, though.
I like Flight of the Concords. A lot. The first time. When it was called Tenatious D. This new show is horrible and contrived, with a higher production value and worse writing.
A show that I don't like, in any incantation, is John From Cincinnati (JFC...get it? GET IT??? Vomit). This show is horrible and has no redeaming qualities, except for the fact that Luis Guzman got another paycheck which he deserves. This is a show with no plot, and to make up for that they packed it full of open ended story arcs and mystical hints that tricked people into thinking it was going somewhere. When I tell people that I don't like it, they always say "well you just didn't get it" but the fact is NOBODY GOT IT BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING TO GET!!!!!! What's the big twist? That Zack fucking Morris is a bad guy/good guy who owns a surf company? You can't have a show and say "we'll tell you the premise, plot, and story later, but in the meantime look how cool it is that this junkie says 'fuck' a bunch!" You can have all the faux mystical crap that you want, but unless you have an underlaying plot and a purpose of the show, it's not going to work.

Superbad

2007-08-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

Superbad comes out in a little over 36 hours. I don't know why I'm anticipating this movie so much, but I really really am. Maybe it's because it's written and produced by two of the funniest guys ever (Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow). Maybe it's because I am an unhealthy mancrush on Jonah Hill. Maybe it's because all the reviews say it's a smart, funny comedy with no moral ending or lesson learned, which is something I've been clamoring for for years.

Trying to make a dollar out of 50 Cent

2007-08-12T02:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently 50 Cent (a rapper) doesn't like Kanye West (ironically, also a rapper). Instead of, you know, making good music, Mr Half Dollar decided that if his album doesn't beat Mr West(no relation to Adam)'s album when they both come out (or "drop" as in "I just dropped a turd") next month, that he would stop making music. Horaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! If only we can have more horrible artists making wild claims like this.

Brothers In Arms

2007-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

The classic Dire Straits album Brother In Arms is the twelfth best selling album of all time? It has sold almost 30,000,000 albums worldwide. THIRTY MILLION!!!!!!! Of the nine tracks, you've heard of maybe two of them (Money For Nothing, which any kid growing up in the MTV era has heard a couple dozen times, and Walk of Life, which seems to be on any time you turn on a classic rock radio station). Other than those two songs, I'd imagine that most people would be hard pressed to name another song by the Dire Straits, let alone from that one album (and if you can, I'm sure it's Sultans of Swing).
This makes me think that it must have been pretty great back in the day when CDs first came out, where you would be an album because you liked the band and felt they put together a complete, comprehensive album that you could listen to front-to-back (which Brother In Arms is).

Fight Club 2: Fightier Club?

2007-08-10T03:26:00.001-07:00

I just read that another one of Chuck Palahniuk books is being made into a movie. After watching Fight Club, I naturally read the book (figures that it was almost a literal translation, with the exception that it ended slightly different), and then read most of Palahniuk's books. The new movie, Choke, is based on a book that if made into a movie in the same way Fight Club was, would be on par with the hardest of hardcore porn movies on the market today. It would be very interesting to see how they capture the spirit and message of the book without, you know, the graphic sex acts.

Spoiler alert: Near the end of the book one of the characters has to go to the hospital because some anal beads got stuck and they were obstructing his digestion. So, you know, it's a little different from Meatloaf having cancer.

For anyone who hasn't read Choke, I'd highly recommend it (along with other Palahniuk books like Survivor and Invisible Monsters). It's a little bit to stomache, but if you got through Fight Club you shouldn't have much of a problem with Choke.

The Truth is Out There

2007-08-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

I caught a couple of old X-Files eps on tv this morning. Boy that was a good show. It worked on so many levels, with all of the running plots and sub plots and season and series long arcs. Add to that the fact that almost every ep can stand alone as a solid hour of programming and you've got an all around stellar show. Thinking back, I don't think I ever saw the last few seasons.
Hows this for a mind fuck: the first ep I ever saw was the Season 1 finale at a friends house where Mulder was running in the desert and looking in silos and shit. I was 12, and for the rest of my middle school Fridays I was in front of my TV at 9pm to watch aliens, shadowy government officials, and unspoken sexual tension. It was a confusing time to be sure.
So heres the plan. There are 202 eps of the X-Files, each running about 45 minutes. If I wanted to watch the entire series from front to back so that I can finally see all the eps I've never seen before with the full context and feel of the show, it would take 9,090 minutes, or 151 1/2 hours. If you throw in the movie, that brings it to 153 hours of programing. If I watched for 6 hours a day (9 eps a day), it would take me almost an entire month to finish.
Now here is the interesting part. The "theme" of the show is alien abductions/odd shit involving aliens happening, and the different factions that know about it, are trying to cover it up, are trying to learn more, ect. At first blush it seems like every ep in the series involves stuff of this nature, but in reality only a few eps from each season deal with this subject matter, interjected around eps that are basically filler involving other paranormal subjects but don't really advance the long-running story line. It seems like there are 67 eps involving the alien story line (plus the movie), for a total viewing time of just over 50 hours. That seems more managable, yet it seems like I'd be losing some of the enjoyment of watching it through to the end.

When worlds collide

2007-08-05T21:52:00.001-07:00

Just saw a comercial for a concert with ZZ Top, The Pretenders, and Stray Cats. While I respect musically all three acts, and all of them are very very good at the genres they have chosen, does the promoter really think that fans of one band will like the others? I haven't seen a more ill-concieved concert lineup since the hilarious Manson-Hole tour of a few years ago. Now that was a fun concert.

Daddy Day Crap

2007-08-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

I saw a preview last night for a new movie coming out called Daddy Day Camp. That's right, they are making a sequel to the hit movie Daddy Day Care (I was going to use the term "hit movie" sarcastically but apparently DDC made over 100M in the US...proving once again that people love trite crap). The part that struck me as odd in the trailer is that there was a fat, geeky, squeeky voiced white guy that WASN'T Jeff Garlin. Wouldn't you think that in pre-production when you call up Jeff Garlin to reprise his roll and he blows you off, you'd stop and think that maybe you are starting a process that will flush millions of dollars down the toilet? Jeff Garlin. Jeff Garlin is a stand up who has a five minute bit about how to say the word 'pudding'. And he decided that he didn't want to be in your major motion picture.

Also, Cuba Gooding Jr is playing the part that Eddie Murphy played in the original. That sounds about right. Remember when Cuba made movies that people cared about? Now he's making stuff like Boat Trip and filling in for Eddie Murphy when Eddie feels he can't go 90 minutes without saying "fuck".

2007-08-05T16:29:00.003-07:00

The posts below are older blogs that I copied from my myspace blog. New content coming soon! (Seriously).

To everyone that is going to see the Borat movie...

2007-08-05T16:29:00.001-07:00

...please don't be That Guy. Yes, we all enjoyed the movie. Yes, we all remember those funny lines. You don't need to repeat them for weeks after. I know that you think you are doing a SPOT ON impression. You aren't. You sound like a horses ass. And people make fun of you.

Listen up 'American Guys between the ages of 18-28'. The next time it occurs to you that you will be the life of the party if you open up your gullet and spew out something that you heard on TV or on a movie in the last week, do everyone a favor and just clamp down on your tongue. It wasn't funny the first eleven times you said it this evening, making it an even dozen isn't going to suddently breathe new life into it. Try this instead: the next time you want to say some Family Guy line or something you heard on the Office, instead think of an original funny comment and say THAT. Make a humerous observation. See that look in people's eyes? Thats a modicum of respect. And you earned that, buddy.

Today in commerical crap...

2007-08-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

I just realized that that song thats playing in every commercial on TV is the new Papa Roach song. Nice sell out, fellas. I didn't realize that they had released new music since last decade but apparently they have four CDs out now. Nice. Guess a few million bucks takes care of those bad feelings, huh?
I finally joined the curve and started watching Law and Order. Good show. I like how it's on five times a day so I can catch right up in a few months, although it does kind of screw with my head because I'm seeing eps out of order. I must say though that I like the original more than the SVU and CI incarnations. I just like the Order part. I need more Order in my Law and Order. That Sam Waterson is one sharp cookie (although I don't understand why he hasn't gotten a raise yet). Although I must say that I do like how Jerry Orbach would always sass people when he arrested them. Good stuff.
In movie news....all new movies stink. Watch Fear and Loathing again.